; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
