it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
