forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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