She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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