Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
