My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
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