I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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