I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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