Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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