There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
