just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
