I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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