I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
