i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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