What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
