Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
