You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
