I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
