Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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