I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
