I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
