Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
