I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
