last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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