So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i love accidental penises.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.