rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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