sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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