We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
