I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
