I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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