Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
