hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
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