Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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