woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
