Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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