yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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