I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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