First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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