I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Randomize
