I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
