I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
