trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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