It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
