life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
My cat gives me a boner
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Randomize
