If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
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Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
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I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You are the jesus of drinking
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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