My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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