Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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