I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
