Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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