remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
