remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
