the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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