Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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