im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
