i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
