no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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