do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
