I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
