and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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